I went to the doctor last week to find out once and for all what was going on with my body, or why my body was NOT behaving like I thought it should. I found out that there is a new man in my life: Perry M. Enopausal. He’s a bad boy and he does make me hot. Ha Haaa…Ha..oh…ahem. I have to make myself laugh because truthfully all of this smacks reality against my peach-fuzzed cheeks and brings into focus the wrinkles marching across my forehead, and other private experiences that I’m not willing to publicize. Isn’t it bad enough that have multiple childhood scars already on my face? No. Now the ravages of time have marked my skin to say “Hey she’s lived, and worried, and fretted, and gotten angry, and had a little too much sun.” So as I struggle to gracefully enter this new phase of my fabulous womanhood I would like to take a moment and this cyber-forum to comment on a few things about being a woman in her 50’s.
1. I will never get a tattoo or pierce any part of my body other than my earlobes. Look I’m not judging a person who has or does or wants to. Some of my besties have big tatts or little hidden tattoos that only their spouse can see. I just hate needles for starters and quite frankly I don’t want to show off any more of my aging skin with or without a tattoo. And if I had a tattoo it would have to be pretty, so I would have to expose myself further. No I am not going to do that. I mean no one told me that you can actually get cellulite near your knees. I’m very upset by this fact.
2. I still want to look cute in my blue jeans–even at fifty-one. I’ve never met a shoe I didn’t like. I love lipstick. Just because I’m getting up there in years doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel attractive, fashionable, and other similar girlie-feelings I felt when I was a twenty-something year old. I mean really the great irony is that when a woman finally accepts who she is and embraces her female being, all the frivolity of youth has scooted right by. My advice: eat a cookie when you get the chance, try different hairstyles when you can, and do something outside your comfort zone at least once a quarter. Or, buy some cool shoes and wear them with your jeans.
3. I still haven’t found the right brassiere. I don’t care how many Victoria Secret’s are at the mall or how many lingerie departments are in department stores. The truth is no one is talking about the fact that the basic style of these stupid undergarments has not changed in, I don’t know, a 100 years? Maybe Gloria Steinhem and the girls, I mean women, of that era had it right: burn your bra. Truth is, I just don’t feel comfortable walking around without one.
4. My ship came in but I’m going to sail it right back out. Who came up with that idea anyway? My mom used to say things like that to me: “Your ship will come in, honey.” Or, “You are the prettiest girl in school, so don’t worry that you don’t have a date.” Or, “Don’t worry that you aren’t married yet. Life begins at 40! Plus I’ll leave you Nannie’s china.” Well, I did worry. I did finally get married at 35 and I did inherit Nannie’s china but only because my older siblings had already claimed everything else. It’s okay though because I’m grateful to have my sweet grandmother’s china.
I’m a late bloomer and that ship? Well, I believe it is never too late to pull up the anchor, hoist the sails and venture out into new territory. Frankly numbers just hold us back. I mean look how many people struggle with Math. Ya know what I mean? I drive around in a mini-van, a car I never thought I’d own. My right side-view mirror has a huge spider-web type crack in it, but I can still see out of it. I can still drive that suburban-mom car. Sometimes you just have to venture forth, cracks, wrinkles and all. Just make sure your cute shoes have the pedal to the metal. Breaker 1-9.